Priority Mail

I ordered a Christmas gift for one of my kids and somehow, instead of it being delivered to me here in sunny New England, the tracking number I was given shows it's "Out For Delivery" somewhere in a town called Sitka, Alaska. Not to worry though, I generated driving directions in case I need to go pick it up. Luckily it's a short 3,878 mile one way trip.

A Near Miss

Stories From My Youth

When I was young, my hometown would occasionally hold a small annual carnival. This carnival was held in the parking lot of the local high school and it consisted of only the rides they could cram onto that small space- no concessions, no formal midway, just a bunch of rides in a crazy-quilt pattern determined by the least amount of space necessary to move around them.

I never had much use for this fair. It involved going outside. It involved dealing with people, many people in fact- to the point of having to deal with a mob, all jammed into this haphazard mess. This also meant that it potentially required some amount of socialization. None of this held any appeal to me. So, every year when this carnival came around I would barely notice, if I noticed at all- preferring instead the comfort of my own home. That is, until the summer after my junior year of high school.

That summer, on a Saturday night, I was somehow dragged to one of these fairs by a friend now long forgotten. I don’t remember much about that night other than the lights and the noise. And the girls. The girls made up for everything else. How did my friend meet these strange, intriguing creatures we were now socializing with? To this day, it’s still a mystery to me. But it was better not to ask questions that night, and instead just enjoy the moment- which I did until well into the night.

I remember heading home late, much later than I normally would, which, as I mentioned, happened almost never. And I remember being on top of the world. I remember walking into the darkness of my parents bedroom, which was lit only by the glow of their TV set. And what I remember most was being lit into by Dad. Anybody who knew Dad might question that this actually happened, being as it was so contrary to his nature. But believe me, it did. I was met with an onslaught of overly personal questions such as, “Where was I?” and “Why didn’t I call?”. Naturally, I took great offense at this, as I would if it happened today. What was the matter with him? I hardly ever did something like this. Clearly, CLEARLY, he was against me having fun. I didn’t deserve to be treated this way! Couldn’t he see I was an Adult?

Refusing to be treated like a child, I turned and stomped away, declaring they had seen the last of me and that I was leaving and never coming back! I muttered off into the darkness of our backyard where I perched myself behind my mother’s garden wall... and I stewed. I’ll show them, I thought. I don’t need them... until finally, after a couple of hours- when my brain couldn’t hold any more of my justifiable self-righteousness, I decided it was time to sneak back into the house and get a good night’s sleep. There would be plenty of time to plot my independence tomorrow.

When I got to my room, there was a note from Dad left on my bed. I’m not sure how he knew I would be back, but there it was. He was apologizing for having blown up at me but he explained that it was out of love and concern. He was more eloquent than that, but that was the gist of it. I felt awful (and still do). I had screwed up big time.

The next day, I was walking down the stairs as Mom was vacuuming at the landing. I stopped and looked up at her through the balusters as she stared silently at the floor, silently away from me. I apologized for the night before, for hurting her and for being a jerk (or something that added up to the same thing). Mom acknowledged the apology, saying something that I don’t remember. But I remember there being tears in her eyes. And I obviously still carry a part of this with me, even though it was so long ago.

I’ve thought of this many times over the years, about how you can go from such a high to such a low in the blink of an eye. I've thought about how how you can so easily hurt the people you love with unintentional thoughtlessness. I’ve thought about what things were like from my perspective, and what things were like from Mom and Dad’s perspective. And as I’ve gotten older, the intensity of both perspectives has hardly changed at all- except that maybe there have been more layers added to it, along with an even deeper understanding of where my parents were coming from.

I’m not far from the age my parents were then, but I can still remember the excitement I felt that night coming home from the fair. And if I’ve learned anything from this over the years, it’s this: Stay away from girls. They'll only get you in trouble.

Holiday Rush

Photo courtesy of Helaina

We got our Christmas tree last minute this year- not last minute meaning right before Christmas, but last minute meaning within hours after discussing when we were going to get our tree. This has to be the fastest turnaround for us ever- from the time the decision was made to get the tree, to finishing up the decorating and getting Jake back to school couldn’t have been more than four or five hours- tops. It kind of had the quality of a movie being fast forwarded through the whole thing- running through the fog at the tree farm, hacking down trees, rushing it home and into the house and throwing ornaments and tinsel on it, all before jumping back into the car to get Jake back to school. And while I would have preferred it to last longer, when it comes to spending time time together, I definitely prefer quality over quantity- though I like it when it’s both.

Another photo courtesy of Helaina

Change of Pace

 Some people don't like this song, but I do. I especially like this take.

Thanksgiving Rundown

Thanksgiving is typically a time for our family to get together to catch up on the past and make plans for the future. The meal offers an excuse to sit around the table together and enjoy each others company- something that happens with less and less frequency. It's also the start of the holiday season and thoughts for getting and decorating a tree are discussed in relaxed conversations that take place somewhere between the main meal and desert, as people stretch back and relax and listen and talk, and think about how good it is to be together. At least, that's how it is most years. This year was a little different.

I took Wednesday off from work- the excuse being that I could get a little Christmas and food shopping done. But the reality was that it left me free to be "on call" for when Jake let me know to pick him up from college- which turned out to be around 10:30. After getting Jake, we headed home with his laundry and his sore throat, for which we made a doctor's appointment later that afternoon (the throat that is, not the laundry). Before the appointment, Jake took a two hour nap while I picked up Rachael from her  work and then put out decorations and baked pies and party mix for the guests that ultimately wouldn't be coming to visit after tomorrow's dinner.

After Jake's nap and after his doctor's appointment, we went to the local CVS and waited for them to fill his prescription. In CVS time, this took "10 to 15 minutes". In real world time, it was close to an hour. We headed home in the darkness and I finished the last of my baking for the night.

I awoke at 6:00 to a bright, sunny Thanksgiving morning and I crawled out of bed to prepare the three turkeys- one big one for our tiny oven, and two small ones for the smoker (which was likely to be at least an all day affair). I had planned to do this figuring we would be having guests later, and since we would be around all day, it would be the perfect time. Plus, I like making soup from the smoked turkeys- even though I have more in the freezer than I know what to do with. An hour so later, as I was wrapping up, Jake came downstairs having had an awful nights sleep. There was some dispute as to whether this was due to his sore throat, his sweat pants or his crummy mattress but it seems likely it was a combination of all three. He went back to sleep on the couch. Soon after, Sam came down and busied himself quietly so as not to wake his brother.

Midmorning was the usual brief calm before the storm- the turkeys had been consigned to their fate and it wasn't quite time to assemble the second tier players of mashed potatoes, yams and other various vegetables. Rachael had expressed a desire to cook a couple of vegetables, which was more than fine with me. This would have to wait until after she and Jake made a brief visit to the high school football game.

Before Rachael and Jake left for the game, Helaina and Paul stopped by for a quick visit. They would be heading out to spend the day with his parents and could only stay long enough to say "Hi". So, after a brief visit, they left, as did Rachael and Jake, and I puttered in the kitchen trying to figure out if the turkey would be getting done too soon or too late.

When Rachael and Jake got back, Jake flopped on the couch again and Rachael went to work in the kitchen. Our kitchen is pretty tiny. Sometimes it feels too small for one person, so two people trying to cook and meet a deadline can be, shall we say, stressful. This was definitely the case- to the point where I felt my time was better spent sitting in the living room and staring at the rug.

Finally, we gathered at the table with our food. Like every year, we went around the table, each of us giving thanks before eating. Unlike every year, a member of the family wasn't able to be there. I must say that it came as no great surprise, indeed, I've been expecting it- for years. But that is not to say that I was prepared for either the profound sense of loss, or for the stark realization that the crowd around our too small dining room table would slowly be thinning out over the coming, not too distant years.

Before long, the meal was over. Rachael left to visit with some friends. Jake collapsed again on the couch, losing his struggle to fatigue and frustration. I would be bringing him back to school early the next morning. The deserts would stay uneaten on the porch where they had been left to cool.

With the house even quieter than it was before, I stood at the front door and stared out at the now greying sky and watched as the growing wind scattered the dry leaves away from the barren trees. As I stood there, I wondered what it was I was waiting for.

Holiday Shopping

Is there anything more depressing than being at the mall before it opens, waiting to do some Christmas shopping and listening to Christmas carols- alone?

No, there isn't.

Life Goes On

You would think in the three weeks or so since I last posted that I would have plenty to say. I don't. The sad thing is in all of that time, I've done nothing of interest. The weeks have been packed with exciting everyday activities such as: working, collecting the trash, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, trying to figure out what to make for dinner, grocery shopping, washing dishes, paying bills, and my personal favorite: trying to stay awake until bedtime. This time of year brings the added seasonal excitement of cleaning the gutters, raking leaves, and washing and putting in storm windows.

Part of my problem is I feel the last vestiges of Autumn slipping away and with it, the inevitable onset of winter. The holidays seem right around the corner and like every other year, I feel totally unprepared. All of this is driven home even harder by the time change last weekend that now allows it to get dark before dinnertime. Between the weight of winter approaching and the holidays, I feel like the walls are slowly closing in, and with them, all of the clutter.

Helaina, Jake and I picking up around the house.

The one bright spot in all of this is the family got to be together this weekend, albeit briefly. I picked Jake up mid-day Saturday. He spent the night which gave me time to run errands and go grocery shopping with him, and later, he helped me clean. Sam came along for our usual Saturday run of grocery shopping and getting pizza, while tying in a visit to the Rock and Mineral Show. Helaina swung by in the afternoon and visited and helped weed through the jackets that have building up over the last many years. And though Rachael worked most of the day on Saturday, there was an overlap at dinnertime that allowed me to cook for whomever was interested, before the girls ended up going in their separate directions.

Today, the weather was beautiful. Rachael left early for her commitments and I brought Jake back to school, reloaded with food and supplies to likely get him through the next couple of weeks until Thanksgiving. Helaina left for her apartment shortly after I got back.

And now, barely after 4:30, it's dark outside. The house is quite with everyone back to living in their own separate worlds.

And the walls are closing in.