It's All About Customer Service.

I was in Stop and Shop the other day, third person in the "Express" line. Apparently I have a misunderstanding of what they mean by "express". I thought they meant "fast". What they really mean is that the cashier, in this case "Tracy", gets to express herself to every customer that slowly makes it through the line (which, by the way, was rapidly increasing behind me).

By the time I realized there was a potential problem, it was too late. I had already dumped my items onto the conveyor belt and I was now trapped by the people getting in line behind me.

"Front of the Line Person" decides that she wants to pay for her items as three separate transactions. "No problem!" says Tracy. She's here to help! The first transaction comes to $10.19 and FLP hands Helpful Tracy a twenty dollar bill. Helpful Tracy asks, "Do you have 19 cents? That way I can give you back a ten." FLP fishes in her mini suitcase for about three minutes for ANY sign of change. Helpful Tracy is blathering on in an obvious attempt to make a new friend by displaying her skill at Customer Service.

FINALLY, FLP tells Helpful Tracy not to worry about it; to just give her the change. But Helpful Tracy will have none of that! Keep looking, we've got time!

Another two minutes goes by as FLP continues to fish around in the "purse" eventually producing a small handful of change. She holds it out for Helpful Tracy's approval. Both of them smile at each other. I think they're in love. Between the two of them, it takes another minute and a half to figure out which of the coins add up to the elusive nineteen cents. They're laughing at all their silliness. What great fun!

After this pathetic ordeal, the register eventually spits out a receipt and, barely catching a breath, Helpful Tracy  again springs into action. She explains the entire receipt to FLP who is listening with that same rapt attention that a kid does when they're read a bedtime story. (Note to Helpful Tracy: You've got the Gas Points wrong! It takes one hundred points to get one dime off per gallon of gas! Read the explanation at the bottom of the receipt! IT'S ALL RIGHT THERE!!!).

This scene plays out almost word for word throughout FLP's next two transactions: the fishing for change, the blathering on, the explanation of the receipt (including the misinformation of the gas points), everything! What's going on here? Does Helpful Tracy have some kind of problem? Does she not realize that this is the exact same person she has been waiting on for the last thirteen minutes?

Eventually, Front of the Line Person pushes her cart away, smiling sweetly. She moves on with her "life" having been fully immersed in the Customer Service Experience. I'm hoping I can move on with my life too.

Next up, it's Over the Limit Lady's turn. OLL had been getting just as impatient as me. But OLL knew she was over the limit and so, wisely, refused to to make eye contact with me. Too bad too, because while Helpful Tracy was basting FLP in Customer Service, I had been honing my look of utter contempt, ready to direct it at Over the Limit Lady for her breach of the twelve item rule. I was ready for the eye contact.

I waited for Over the Limit Lady to turn and look at me in a vain attempt to bond over this mess. But I wasn't going to go along with it. Instead, I used my time to rehearse my routine: when Over the Limit Lady would attempt to bond, I would glare at Over the Limit Lady for a split second. Then I would divert my eyes and glare at her groceries before finally retuning my glare back at her. It would be Ice Cold. I would shake my head and frown to emphasize my displeasure.

But the eye contact never came. OLL outsmarted me, and it only served to increase my building rage.

Over the Limit Lady was now making friends with Helpful Tracy. OLL breaks the ice by joking about how she has twenty-three items when the limit is twelve, and "I hope you don't arrest me". Ha-ha! Helpful Tracy laughs. They both agree this is very funny. I'm scanning the other registers for the Manager. Helpful Tracy counts the items and sure enough, there's twenty-three! No Problem! (Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out how Helpful Tracy can count to twenty-three but has trouble making nineteen cents in change.)

This becomes another bonding experience when Helpful Tracy once again displays her vast grocery knowledge for each item she is ringing up. She has Over the Limit Lady hanging on every word.

"This is ridiculous", I think to myself. "What do I do here? What's my plan?" I'm next in line, but this is meaningless. Do I make something up? Do I say, "Oh, I forgot the soup!", leave my stuff, and then bolt down an aisle and out the exit? "I'll be seen", I think, "Maybe I know someone here and I will somehow be held responsible for holding things up even further."  I'm starting to sweat.

I tough it out and decide I will punish Helpful Tracy when it's my turn. I will refuse to smile at Helpful Tracy . "Tough love", I think to myself. "She deserves nothing less."

Finally, Helpful Tracy is up to the receipt review. "...and you just earned forty-nine Gas Points!", says Helpful Tracy. "Gas Points?" asks Over the Limit Lady, "What are those?" "It means you get forty-nine cents off a gallon of gas!" says Helpful Tracy. NO. IT. DOES. NOT. READ. THE. DAMN. RECEIPT!!!!!

Over the Limit Lady strolls away. I take comfort in the fact that she will be getting screwed the next time she gets gas. Let's see how funny twenty-three items is when that happens.

Finally, FINALLY, it is my turn. Helpful Tracy tries weaving her magic, but it is not working on me. She talks about my groceries. She talks about her life. I don't respond. She is not my friend. She has ruined any chance of friendship. Oblivious to my subliminal message of hatred, she reads my receipt. "Do you know how to use the Gas Points?" she asks. "Yes", I say, "I just used them this morning".  This does not stop her from spewing her misinformation.

Fuming, I finally am able to leave her Aisle of Oblivion. I exit the store to freedom, but as I reach the car, it hits me. I really did forget the soup.