My Rules for Raising Kids

I was talking to a friend over the last several weeks about raising kids. He has, for reasons too lengthy to go into here, found himself in the position of being kind of a surrogate father to a young adolescent. He was looking for some "tips". I talk a lot about my kids, and that, coupled with the fact that my office is plastered with their photos, apparently gives the illusion to some people that I know what I'm doing. I've been in this position before and it's not one I  like being in. I'm no expert. Everyone is different, every circumstance is different. And I'm certainly not some one who can speak to his particular situation. I can hardly speak to my own.

But it made me think more about this. First of all, if I'm any good as a parent at all, its because I was lucky enough to be born into a home with two very good parents. That makes a huge difference.

I always looked at my kids as though they're just little people, how would you treat anyone? It seems pretty obvious but I see a lot of people who treat their kids differently than they would someone else, and often not for the better.  When it comes down to it you just sort of do it and hope you're doing the right thing.

But I do want to put some of this down... for posterity and myself and my kids. And I figure as presumptuous as this list is (and it really is), I'm pretty safe putting it here since no one reads this stuff anyway. Take it or leave it, this is all I can think of:

Be on their side. It’s too big a world to go it alone and there will be too many people who will let you.
Have faith in them and be supportive, especially when the path before them is dark and unknown (as it often will be). Standing with them as they are reaching their goals is not the same thing as being there for them when they are struggling to find their way.

Guide them. Teach them to ride the bike, knowing when to hold on and when to let go.

Listen more, talk less. They have something to say. Let them say it.

Respect them and teach them respect.

Tell them how great they are, because they are.

Tell them you love them, because you do.

Let them know that they come first, not through your words but through your deeds.

Teach them to be honest, to love and to have a sense of humor. All of these are tools that will be invaluable to them throughout their lives.

Lead by example. Be the person you want them to be. Set fair rules, expect them to follow them, and follow them yourself.

Spend as much time with them as possible. And remember that spending time does not mean “occupying the same space”. It means interacting.

Praise them in public. They should hear and overhear the good things you have to say about them. The only thing better for them than being praised is overhearing you praising them to someone else.

Deal with problems behind closed doors. There is nothing more hurtful and demoralizing than for someone to overhear themselves being criticized to someone else. And when it comes time to address an issue with them, do it one-on-one, behind closed doors. Nobody likes being humiliated.

Make bedtimes special. Don’t go over problems of the day or problems that await them. There will be plenty of time for that tomorrow. Read to them and let them read to you. Wind the pace down. Ease them towards bedtime, making it as comforting and worry free as it can be. Help them to feel safe. Help them have sweet dreams.

And, Number One on my list:
Have empathy. No matter how young they are, see things through their eyes. Feel what they’re feeling and help them cope with what’s before them. Don’t denigrate or belittle their feelings and don’t be dismissive. Comfort them when they need it.

Oh... and have a blast with them.

I have.