Eighteen Years Ago

Today is Sam's birthday and just as I've done with his brother and his sisters, I wanted to say a little something- both about what Sam has taught me and about who he is.

I thought saying something about Sam would be pretty easy- not because I love him any more or less than the others, but because many of his experiences have been so profoundly different than theirs.

There is nobody that reads this blog that isn't aware of Sam's history, but in the off chance that some unfortunate soul stumbles across this page and has, for some inexplicable reason, read this far, you should know that Sam came within days of dying from a massive brain tumor when he was about three and a half years old. This event presented itself seemingly out of nowhere

So, when I've tried to write about Sam in the past, it's at this point that I begin to spiral into the events of that period- and of all the intervening years- and I get lost in a maze of emotion, and it leads me away from the direction I was trying to head.

What it all boils down to is that the things that Sam went through, showed me not only how temporary and fragile things are, but also how drastically and suddenly things in life can change.

I have always thought about the temporary nature of things. But up until Sam's troubles, I had always viewed things as either a part of an ongoing evolution and natural transition, or as something that was working towards a so-called natural conclusion- a conclusion that, while inevitable, would come gradually over time. Up until that point, I had never thought, not in any depth at least, about how abruptly things could change, or even worse, end - all in less than a blink of an eye.

And this is where the spiral begins, so let me shift slightly and say something more specifically about Sam and who he is to me.

There are people who believe that we are closest to God, or to being God-like at the moment that we're born. We'll never be as innocent and as pure of thought and emotion as we are at that point in time. As we live and gather knowledge and experience life, we gain not only all of the wonderful things that result from following our paths, but we inevitably lose some amount of innocence and purity through those experiences. As a result, we drift further and further away from being like God, as time passes by.

I don't know where I heard this. I don't know if it's from a particular religion, or if this is from some tribe somewhere. It could even have been from a dream.

I don't view myself as a religious person- I'm not even sure how I feel about the concept of "God". But if all of this were to be true, then Sam has been closer to God longer and more deeply than anyone I know.

There is a sweetness and innocence that runs deep within Sam. Maybe this is due to his early troubles - but it doesn't matter. Those troubles are a part of his path which, like all of us, make up who he is today. And while this innocence and purity has diminished, however slightly over time, (particularly with the onset of adolescence and the discovery "girls"), it is still a huge part him.

This innocence can feed into his already profound struggles in dealing with some of the harsh realities of the world- his mountains are often higher and his struggles are often far greater than he expects them to be. But it can also be a gift. It gives him a certain outlook and perspective that helps him cope in a positive way with the world around him.

Despite my best efforts, I often think about what my life would have been like if I had lost Sam those fifteen years ago- and I can't begin to imagine how much poorer my life would have been without him being around. Sam, like each of my kids, has been a gift.