In Response...

I'll keep this post up for a little while, and then it will be gone. I have a thing about my blog when it comes to my kids- I try not to convey anything that might be construed as even slightly critical of them or their situation. The reason is- any perceived criticism is such a minuscule part of our relationship, I don’t want anyone thinking that my kids are anything other than great. I don’t want you thinking anything other than this. If anyone comes away from here feeling anything else, I've failed... and they're wrong. I’m not always successful in this, but that’s my goal.

But, the problem in writing is, in proportion to the amount of words put on the page, the weight of anything even slightly negative is given more importance than it is in life. People will read it and get a distorted idea of the way things are.

I have no problem proclaiming my love and my pride for you and your siblings, and I think I do- frequently. But, for the reasons I just mentioned, I’m more than a little uncomfortable having a personal “conversation” like this in a public forum- but I will, since that's how the conversation started...

So, where do I begin? Well, first of all, it’s a minor point, but I believe my response to you last night was, “Do you think that’s wise?” (which is kind of odd, because I rarely use the word “wise”.) That was all. But, your inference was correct... partly.

On the one hand, I absolutely believe that if you (meaning “anyone”) have outstanding obligations, you have to take care of them first. If you make a commitment, you have a responsibility to keep that commitment. And the thing is, I think you do a great job at it. You take care of your various loans without any involvement from me. You’re very responsible with your money. (I do worry about you getting duped or signing something where you don’t understand the full ramifications of what you’re obligated to, but that’s not being unwise or stupid or anything like that. That’s inexperience. We all go through that... forever.) So, if you think my concern comes from feeling like you’re irresponsible, you’re wrong.

Where you are correct though, is in my concern for your welfare down the road. I know that you are aware that you will be having bills to pay, and I know that you will be taking it seriously, because that’s who you are. But it is impossible for you to fully feel the weight and the stress of this from where you are right now. Every time you turn around, there will be another bill coming in. And as I said before, there will be months where you will have to choose between eating and paying the rent. There are a lot of people who find they can’t do either. It happens hard, and it happens quickly. The more you can set aside now, the bigger your safety net will be when you move out and even then, it will be hard. Even though I know it will ultimately have to be your experience, I’ve been trying to help you with your bills, so you can build up that safety net which will hopefully offer you a little breathing room. And, by the way, it’s not a matter of you not deserving it or anything like that. I think you deserve the world.

So, specific to last night- If you were out on your own and had a few months under your belt- a few months where you’ve had the chance to figure out how to balance all of your “necessities” and new responsibilities- all of these “unknowns”, and you felt you could make it work in that context, fine. I wouldn’t worry as much (well... maybe....... probably not, but still...). But that’s not where you are right now. Yes, you’re getting there, but you’re still in a rocky position. And if it works out in your favor, then that money will be there for you to do what you want. If things don’t go in your favor, then that money will be there to help you get what you need.

I have an expression- “The driveway keeps getting longer”. It means nothing to anyone but me. What this means to me is the analogy of teaching your kid to ride a bike and how it relates to life. You start off holding the seat, running alongside, huffing up and down the driveway. Little by little, you’re letting go. The bike wobbles, and there are the inevitable spills. But over time, the bike wobbles less, the spills are less frequent. And there comes a point where you stand at the end of the driveway and watch your kid ride back and forth- each time they go a little bit further. The more comfortable they get, and the more confidence they get, the further they go.

Learning to ride a bike, starting school, learning to drive, looking at colleges, getting out on your own- these and a million other examples are all about the same thing- they are about helping your child grow and become independent. They are about helping them find, and work toward their happiness... whatever that means for them. You will learn more from your own experiences than you will from mine, but I will still speak up when I think you’re heading into traffic.

I know I’ve told you this story before- but I can fully relate to you wanting to be out on your own. I loved my parents very much (and still do), but for all the same reasons you mention, “it was time”. I can still remember wanting, needing, feeling the same things you do, including the frustration. And I can remember how much of a struggle it was, but also how necessary it was to be out on my own. And I can also remember needing a little help. And this brings me back to trying to help you, by building up your safety net. And hopefully helping and supporting your plans in other ways as well.

You don’t need to worry about me feeling like I’m somehow losing you (emotionally, that is). I’ve heard of men having problems when their daughters grow up because they’re no longer “the man in their life”. I’m not sure how true this is, I can’t say I’ve ever seen this first hand. But it strikes me a s B.S. I worry about a lot of things, but I don’t worry about you never needing me. I don’t worry about being somehow replaced in your life. I don’t think along those lines. There is no way someone could take the place that you hold in my life, or of your sister, or your brothers, etc. Each of you hold a unique place in my heart that no one can replace. Good or bad, why should I think it would be any different for any of you?

I love you very much too. And if you are not hearing it, or not hearing how proud I am of you, or how hard I think you work, I will say it louder. And because I'm a parent and because I am who I am (to paraphrase Popeye) and because I worry, I will probably ask again sometime, "Do you think that's wise?". And because you'll be out on your own and because you'll have the experience, you will probably answer, "Yes".

And one last thing-
How about next time, we try talking face to face?
Love, Dad