Wedding Daze

I’m in a bind. I went to a wedding this past weekend and I was fully prepared to have an awful time. One of my nieces, I forget which one, was getting married on Saturday afternoon. I knew this was not going to be one of my favorite things. Nothing against anyone, but putting me into a large group of people, plus having to get dressed up, plus an overnight at a hotel to boot, well, as Sam used to say, “It’s not my favorite.”

But I figured if nothing else, at least it would give me something to write about. After all, my audience knows that I do my “best” writing when I’m complaining about something. And by "my audience", I mean me.

So Saturday comes and we arrived at the hotel. We got checked in, settled in the room, and after 15 seconds, flicked on the TV. As luck would have it (Sam’s luck, that is), Looney Toons was playing. Time to run out the clock by watching cartoons. The only thing left to do was to find the snack bar. And there would be plenty of time for that. Plenty of time.

A good beginning.

Unfortunately everything that followed was a total letdown.

It began when many of us decided to walk a few city blocks to where the service and reception were going to be held. "Great!", I thought. Nothing like some grimy, trash strewn streets discretely sprinkled with the occasional prostitute and drug dealer to give my blog some pizzazz! Sad to say though, I found the city to be lovely. Things were clean, the architecture was interesting, no one was threatening me or hitting me up for spare change- not even my own family. What gives? This wasn’t giving me the material I had hoped for. Trouble loomed.

Back at the hotel, we got “refreshed” and dressed then headed out again. When we got back to the venue, we were too early. They wouldn’t let us in. Good. Maybe we would bake in the heat along with the slowly growing crowd. Under the best of conditions, blistering heat combined with an expanding crowd can easily turn reasonable people into a restless and angry mob. Stuff those same people into formal attire and the possibilities really open up. Unfortunately, the breeze picked up and I was deflated. People seemed to be happy. Things were not going my way.

Still, there was hope. My sister-in-law, Denise, had suffered a broken ankle a couple of weeks earlier and was confined to a wheelchair. This was promising. "Sister-In-Law In Wheelchair + Hilly City Streets + Brother Losing Grip On Wheelchair = Hilarious Entertainment!" Just give it some time, I thought. Just give it time... But then, my brother shows up... alone! What was going on? Where was Denise? Did I already miss the action? I never heard any screaming!  Sure, he was smiling, but he had been smiling the whole time we were there. Turns out that, no, somehow Denise had already made it into the building! As another blow, the doors opened soon enough and we, along with the rest of the crowd, were let into the building before any trouble was given a fair chance to explode. Strike two (or was it three? I was losing count.)

On and on and on it went. No long waiting to sit down. No God Awful boring service. No one threw up from the meal. Everyone still seemed happy! What was going on???

The bride, whoever she was, looked lovely. I watched as my brother danced with her and he not only looked better than usual, someone other than myself might even say he was glowing.

Like I said, one letdown after another.

As the night dragged on and people insisted on continuing their good time, I about had my fill. It was clear that this happy, fairly good looking crowd (some of whom I think I'm related to) was not going to provide me with the fodder I was looking for. Where were the drunks? Where were the angry fights that only break out at weddings when drunken couples let their festering resentment over years of disappointment with each other erupt when ignited by the newlyweds' hope and happiness? Where were the people making fools of themselves and embarrassing their spouses by falling on the tables and singing loudly? And where were the drunks? As a wise man once said, Enough is enough.

It was time for me to leave.

It was getting late anyway and it was clear that nothing was going to go down hill. It was past Sam’s bedtime and it was way past my bedtime. So as 9:30 rolled around, I decided to head back to the hotel with Sam where we could, and did, watch cartoons while we munched on snacks from the newly discovered snack bar.

While Sam watched TV, I thought back on the day. I lay there wondering what went wrong. How did this happen? How did I end up having a pretty good time? It was frustrating. The problem was, this was giving me NOTHING to write about. Sometimes, life can be so unfair.

Fortunately, I'm optimist. It hit me as I was lying in bed, “Even though I'll never let one of my daughters get married, I’m pretty sure I have other nieces! If that's true", I thought,  "Maybe one of them will get married someday. Then, assuming I get invited, I’ll finally have something to complain about... And actually, if I don't get invited, I'll also have something to complain about. It's a win-win!" I guess the weekend held promise after all.