Today's Re-Post

In the days before blogging, when the kids were small, I used to write down random thoughts and events - often on scraps of paper, which I would then tuck away or, unfortunately, lose. This is a re-post from October 22nd, 2010. The post was transcribed from one of those notes which I had found in my sock drawer. I had written it many years earlier - though back then, and even today, it feels like it was just yesterday...

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 from June 19th, 1996:

"Yesterday I called home from work. It seems that Jake had caught a toad and he had been playing with it for the better part of the day. When he went to let it go, he accidentally stepped on it, and it died. He was heartbroken. All the kids were upset. They gave the toad a little funeral, burying him by the back steps and putting flowers on his grave. Rachael went to be by herself on the swings and started to cry. Her Mom asked her if she was all right. Rachael said she just needed to be alone.

Jake was sobbing almost uncontrollably when I talked to him, saying, “M-M-My toad got k-killed. I s-stepped on him by mistake (sob). H-H-He w-was just s-starting to s-stick out his tongue (sob).”

I told him how sorry I was to hear it; that I knew he felt bad; that I knew it was an accident. I listened to him for a little while, and felt terrible.

By the time I came home, everyone seemed to have calmed down. Jake mentioned the toad again, but that was about it. Later that night, when I tucked him in and gave him a kiss, Jake said quietly to me, “I miss my toady."  I said “I know you do honey. I’m sorry he’s gone.” I patted him a few minutes and told him I loved him. He closed his eyes and rolled over.

I went to say goodnight to the girls. After kissing Rachael, I went over and sat on the edge of  Helaina’s bed. Helaina sat up and fidgeted a minute. Pulling herself against me, she said, “Daddy, you know what I might want to tell you when I get older?” I put my arm around her. “No honey, what?” “Well, when I get older, I might want to tell you that I’m scared of dying.” And she started to cry. I held her and talked with her and listened for a while, doing my best to comfort her. Finally, I kissed her goodnight and as I left, I  told the girls that I loved them both very much, and that I would peek at them later.

During the night, Jake awoke with a bad dream. I rubbed his back for a while. He couldn’t say what it was about, but I can guess. He ended up coming into bed with me, clutching his Goodnight Moon Bunny and his blankey. I rubbed his back as we both went to sleep."