Movies I Won't Be Seeing

I don't really care one way or the other about  Dolly Parton or Queen Latifah. The little I know of them, they seem like fine, even funny, people... at least when they're not in movies. But I can't for the life of me figure out who would want to go see their movie "Joyful Noise". Who the hell is going to shell out whatever it is to go to a movie nowadays and sit through all 118 minutes of this? I'm not sure why, but I feel like this movie is designed to appeal to the same crowd that has forced movie theaters to offer big plates of nachos as a snack.

Are glee clubs still 'in"? This concept strikes me like it's trying to jump on the "Glee" bandwagon. The problem is I think that bandwagon left town about a year and a half ago. I also take issue with the name, "Joyful Noise". It seems, at the least, misleading. But I guess maybe they're half right. From what I've heard on the TV commercial (which played about 30 times in the two hours I was watching TV), it sounded "joyful" in the same way that a high pitched dentist drill sounds joyful. A dentist drill that needs oil. A lot of oil. As it's boring into your jaw.

The movie's description on Yahoo! begins with this nugget: "The small town of Pacashau, Georgia, has fallen on hard times, but the people are counting on the Divinity Church Choir to lift their spirits by winning the National Joyful Noise Competition." Gee, I wonder how this movie is going to end? How. Will. It. End??? Another ad for this suspenseful drama is proclaiming it as the "feel good movie of the year." Considering this is only mid-January, I don't imagine the competition is all that stiff... though I expect that chipmunk movie is probably giving them a run for their money.

Even more of a puzzler is trying to figure out who would put up the money to make this future classic. I went back to Yahoo! and apparently there are close to 35 businesses that comprise the "production company" that's responsible for this. Is it normal for this many companies to be involved, or are there so many because they could only get a couple of bucks from each of them? And for some odd reason, two of these companies are something called "Mario's Catering." Why do they get double billing? Was there one there for Dolly and another one for Queen?

I can't do this justice. You need to read the full, breathtaking description here. Make sure you don't skip the second paragraph that introduces the character named "Randy" (subtle), and the "friction" (their word, not mine) that ensues. One warning though: if you do decide to go see it, be careful. It's rated PG-13, due in part to "a sexual reference". Oooo. I'm guessing it has something to do with "Randy".