Must Be Broken

I have just noticed that there is a "Stats" page behind this blog and on this "Stats" page it says I have "0" (which I read as "zero") traffic.
What does this mean? Could this mean I'm not popular?

My Life, Act IV

Me: "Sam, I'm going to put something in the compost. If the phone rings, it's ok to answer it, ok?"
Sam (looking up from his game): "Wait, where are you going?"
Me: "To the compost. Just out back. Answer the phone if it rings, ok?"
blank look
Sam: "ah...... ok."
Me: "Wait. How 'bout we practice this. Hang on a second."
Shuffle for my cell phone, find it, dial home.
**Ring**...**Ring**
Me: "Sam, you need to pick it up."
Sam: "Oh, ok."
Picks it up
Me: "Ok, now press the "Talk" button and answer it."
Presses "Talk"
Me: "You need to say "Who is this please?"."
Sam: "It me, Sam."
Me: "No. No. That's what you say. You say, "Who is this please?". Let's try this one more time."
I dial again. Sam picks it up AND presses "talk" (Excellent job, BTW!)
Sam: "Hi"
Me: "No, say: "Who is this please?"
Sam: "It's me, Sam."
Me: **blink**
Third try was the charm.
We'll review this again later.

Burning Question

Why do some chefs wear puffy hats and other chefs wear floppy hats?

I was in a restaurant a while back and I noticed there were two guys behind the counter, each wearing a chef's hat in a different way. What does this mean?

The only thing I can figure out is it must be a sign of rank. I say this because of the look of contempt on Floppy Hat Guy's face. You could just tell that when he looked at Puffy Hat Guy he was thinking "That puffy hat is rightfully mine!"

I imagined a fight breaking out between these two guys, each slapping the other with their spatulas.

I imagined coming in the next day to see Floppy Hat Guy busted down to wearing one of those sailor-type hats that a diner cook would wear.

I imagined dried ketchup still stuck in his matted hair...

Plus he had grill burns on his forehead.

I never went back the next day so I can't say if that actually ended up happening.

What's That Ringing?

Let's play "Guess Who's On the Phone".

To play you need two people- one goes to answer the phone when it starts ringing. We'll call him "Player A". One guesses names. We'll call her "Player B".

Here's how it works: Every time the phone rings, Player A has to get up and get the phone. Player B then rattles off the names of every person who could conceivably be calling before Player A picks it up. The challenge is to get out as many names as possible before the phone is actually answered.

Game play is further enhanced when Player A picks up the phone and tries to talk while Player B gets to run through the list a second time, only this time the names must be rattled off in the form of a question (i.e.: "Who is it? Is it....").

Sadly, there are no winners in this game.

Stop the Presses!

I have just been informed that: 1) "Someone's" wallet was under a box on the porch and we're SURE they will be needing it. 2) That this "someone" is upstairs right now and they still haven't found their bed sheets for College, and 3) They're not even looking for them! They're on their Laptop instead!!!

More updates to follow as this important story unfolds...

Yummy and Informative

You know what makes a story better? When the person telling the story is popping peanuts into their mouth while they're talking. Everything is better with peanuts!
Well, unless you're allergic, I guess. But still...

It's Great Hearing From Old Friends!

Just when I needed it most, I awoke to an email from some friends I haven't heard from in years. Seems the McAfee Team misses me and they are a little concerned. My software has expired (about six years ago, but they don't mention that).

Because they like me, they're giving me a Special Deal to renew! They want me to Be Protected. They care about my peace of mind (*sniff*). They've got my back.

That's what friends do.

Wait a sec... something about money... $14.99??? They want money???

Classic.

I Used to Have a Life

Two posts in two years (well, one really). That's because I used to have a life. More to the point, I used to have kids at home and they each had a life. That translated into a life for me. But right now, that feels a little distant.

One child off to college last week, one off to college today and another goes tomorrow. And this is what my life is reduced to: Sitting at the computer while the TV is blaring "Best Of American Idol" in the background. (I'm not kidding... that's a real show. It's the kind of show that typically plays on late Saturdays for shut-ins or people who want to re-live the past glories of folks who almost made it into People magazine. It's the kind of show they fill with commercials where the announcer is asking about your bowel movements the way most normal people ask about your children.)

Today it's playing and its playing loudly. It seems even more grating without the interruption of human conversation or people coming and going. Or Anything.

My one child left at home is upstairs getting ready for bed while I sit here wondering if it gets any better than this. I feel like I'm trying to kick a habit ..."Just get through the day. Tomorrow will be better."... even though I know it's a lie. But that's the way it is with us addicts...we lie. Mostly to ourselves.

Now another commercial is playing, only this time, its about a woman in a car that is stopped for a train moving over a crossing. She's desperate, she NEEDS a bathroom (and, oh great! Wouldn't you know it...it's raining!).

Apparently, these are the target groups of people who stay inside on beautiful Saturday afternoons: those who can't poop, those who can't stop peeing. And me.

We addicts are an eclectic bunch.

It's going to be a long rest of my life.