Is there a more intelligent individual than that which posts comments on the local news website? I don’t think so. Those committed citizens take time from their busy schedules to share with us their sharp observations of today’s hottest news stories. For example:
There’s a brief story on the website today about two people dragging a fifteen foot inflatable pool out of a pool supply store. When the clerk asked if they needed help, one of the “customers” pulled a handgun on them and said “We got it”. That’s the story.
Sharp Observer #1 (not his or her real name) writes in to say, “armed robbery for an imflatable [sic] pool? it has to have some other use, especially that it's winter now.” End of comment. Thank-you Sharp Observer #1. I’m sure the police hadn’t looked at it from that angle. No doubt they will be in touch with you shortly to further glean leads from that computer-like mind of yours. Also- be proud that you have apparently intimidated all other commentators from writing in, since you seem to have nearly solved the case.
In another story, a hiker had to be rescued when he decided to take a different trail back to his car- and he ended up getting stuck on the side of a mountain. The story didn’t explicitly say how the hapless hiker managed to contact authorities, but Sharp Observer #2 deduced the answer: “I guess he had his cell phone with him...good thing. What would have happened if cell phones weren't invented?” Yes, what indeed. Thank-you for taking the time to post that invaluable comment Sharp Observer #2. That is the kind of deep insight that would never have occurred to an uninquisitive individual like myself.
Finally, for today’s top story (yes, there are even bigger stories than a stolen inflatable pool and a hiker getting stuck), we have a tale about an off-campus party at the semi-local university. In a devastating shock to the community, this party apparently got out of hand when thousands of kids showed up, got drunk and began urinating on neighbors lawns. Needless to say this story generated quite a bit of incisive, often heated commentary. Here is but a small sampling of a few of the more coherent comments:
Sharp Observer #3 says, “Sad abuse of young adult exuberance...have fun, but act responsibly, respectfully. Use moderation and always choose a sober person as a designated driver.” Thank-you for that, Sharp Observer #3. Not sure how the designated driver thing plays into it, but it feels like it comes close. I’m sure there is a lesson to be learned somewhere in those wise words.
Sharp Observer #4 says, “Their white skin will deflect their bad entitled behavior. Not surprised that white kids can't understand why someone wouldn't want them on their lawn urinating their [sic] just having fun.” This was seconded by Sharp Observer #4.1 whose only response was, “could’t [sic] agree more”. Speaking as a person with white skin and plenty of bad entitled behavior, I can confirm that they speak the truth. I for one, have never understood why my neighbor continually objects to me urinating on his lawn.
Scattered among the various calls for blood and retribution, one lone voice points a different direction. This young commenter, nattily dressed in a brightly tie-dyed tee shirt and white skin (if his profile picture is to be believed) sees an opportunity to make some kind of a point. Says he: “Perhaps if the University found a way to promote the use of recreational cannabis (having been decriminalized in this state) as an alternative to alcohol, some of the students who would otherwise be unleashing destruction all around them would instead just stay in their dorm rooms, listen to some tunes, and order takeout.”
Ah the innocence of youth! Thank you for your thoughtful, albeit misguided opinion, young lad- but please go back to “Mother Jones” magazine and leave this valuable space for the more perceptive, frequently self-righteous and often acrimonious commentators- just as it was intended.
I’m not positive, but I get the sense that many of these commentators have no one around willing to listen to them anymore. So, having worn out their welcome, they have in turn taken to regaling us, the general public, with their astute and refreshing observations. This is a win-win for all of us (or a win-win-win if you include the relatives that no longer have to listen to them). Thanks to all of you fine citizens out there who spend your days perusing the websites of America looking for welfare cheats and offering your own semi-educated, often baseless opinions on some of the most important stories of the day. Stay vigilant!
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