Time Well Spent

Figuring out how Sam feels about something can be complicated. For one thing, he's often excellent at reading people’s reactions (even though he doesn’t understand the reasons for those reactions). So when you ask him a question, especially if the subject is deep or vague or confusing to him, as he answers, he’ll study your face and if he detects changes in your expression, he’ll modify his response, trying to give you what he thinks is the ‘right’ answer.  

This comes up because this has been a week interspersed with some new challenges for Sam. And this means that our walks have been filled with more conversation than usual - conversations about relationships and emotions and all those intangible and abstract things that go along with it.

Topics like these are difficult for anyone to navigate. As with most things, these challenges are heightened for Sam. Nothing here is concrete. Nothing here is black and white.  

On any of our walks, but particularly this week, it’s not unusual to drop comments here and there about how different people can feel differently about the same things - and how it's all ok. And ‘we'll’ talk about how, no matter how anyone else feels about something, how he feels about something is what’s right for him.

And particularly this week, we talked about how it’s also ok to not know how you feel - and if someone needs to know how you’re feeling, how, if you’re not sure yourself, it’s ok to give yourself some space and to say you don't know, that you need time to think about it.

We take conversations like these in baby steps, snippets really, with more breaks and pauses than conversation. This all takes time.

But as our conversations continue and things come into focus, I try to comfort him, usually by relating to him, and I try to encourage him. Then I may make a suggestion.

That was the case this week.

We walked and talked and when we finally got to the heart of the matter, when it became clearer how he felt about a situation and what his frustrations and fears were, we found a place to sit for a minute and I made a suggestion, saying to Sam, “Maybe you could think about saying something like…” and I explained it to him.

Sam thought for a second, smiled and gave a quick clap and pointed, as he often does, at nothing in particular. You could instantly feel the relief.

Back at home, we talked just a little bit more about these things -- mostly to see how he was feeling. And he asked again what that response was. And again, he gave a clap and pointed when I repeated it.

And I told him again how I didn’t want anything I said to be taken as if I’m telling him how he should feel. And I said again that however he feels - about anything- matters. And I told him that I worry about putting words in his mouth. 

Sam listened, then said, “I understand that. I appreciate you helping me find the words.”

"I'm glad to be able to help," I said. And I managed not to cry.